Tonight

I actually feel pretty good tonight! Stomach doesn't hurt that much, head doesn't hurt, GI tract settled down pretty much....almost back to normal! YAY! Praise God!
My friend Linda and I went to see a play tonight, and then had baklava at Niko Niko's, a Greek restaurant near the theatre. We laughed a lot, and laughter helps the immune system, so I'm feeling pretty good.
DH is taking the girls to church tomorrow morning, but I'm going to stay home just to avoid infection. I'll watch the sermon online. The wonders of modern technology....

Ways to Help If You Live Out of Town

I've heard from some of you that live out of town that you'd like to help. Here are a couple of ways:
1. Hats, scarves, do-rags - I have a wish list set up at headcovers.com
2. Restaurant gift cards -- most of the national chains have a location near us

Not a requirement, of course, but if you're looking for ideas....

A Quest, Satisfied

i have at long last found something to drink that tastes good. I can't have sugar right now, because sugar suppresses the immune system. So, buh-bye beloved Coke. Water tastes metallic. Diet lemonade tastes too thick. Peach tea doesn't taste right, either.
But...gatorade. Gatorade tastes good to this metallic-tasting mouth. Yahoo!

This Morning

...was awakened by some killer thunder. So the girls and I popped popcorn (I had maltomeal) and watched Harry Potter. 2

Catch Up

Nothing much exciting happened yesterday. I pretty much lay on the couch the whole day. I got up enough energy to go to Kohl's as they had a sale and i had an extra 15% off coupon. Started feeling bad while i was there, so checked out and picked up lunch for DD2 and me.
Watched "Year of the Yao" and rested.
Went to the grocery store for a few things in the afternoon. I like those pierogies. They're nice and bland, and you can get them in the frozen food section.
That was it. I also watched "Antonia's Line", and "Something the Lord Made". The latter is highly recommended.

So, overall, still tired, still have an upset stomach, things still not normal in the whole GI tract, but better.

God Has Surrounded Me with Fabulous People

My fabulous friends the Langfords came over last night, as DH was OOT. They served dinner to the girls (a fabulous roast dinner that Julie Long the Pregnant Wonder cooked and brought over), helped DD1 with homework, did two loads of laundry and put them away, changed the sheets on my bed, did the dishes and took down the St. Patrick's Day tree. I pretty much just lay on the couch and watched them work. Every now and then, I would get up and go to the bathroom. But pretty much, yep, just lying there.
I may adopt those Langfords, though. Wow, what great people. And they WANTED to do this. Deb is one of my oldest friends in Houston. I met her just a few months after I moved here in 1994, and our families hang out together for holidays like New Years and Easter and stuff. I told DD1 the Langfords were coming over, and she said, "When does the party start?" Because....you know...when the Langfords come over, it's a PARTY.
After Deb told her kids that I was going to have chemo and what that meant, apparently her kids said, "Well, when can we go over and help Miss Terri?"

Today was a continuing day of sloth. I finally broke down and took an immodium. Which has helped a bit, but I still feel weak. I didn't feel up to packing a lunch for DD2, and when i dropped her off, i told her i'd swing by with chicken nuggets later, and the director of the preschool said, "Don't worry, we'll get her a lunch!" And it looks like, they went across the street and got her a corn dog from Sonic. Now, this is a brand new preschool this year for DD2 -- it's not like she's gone there for 5 years or something. But the director of that program is a great woman of God, really something special.

So, I am grateful. So much, for all the kindnesses people have shown me. It's very humbling. [bows down] I am not worthy....

Titles

I've been trying to figure out what to call this year. I'm debating between The Year Terri Was Bald, The Year Nothing Got Done, or The Year Nothing Tasted Good....

Chemo, Day 6

Me: "OK, I'm ready to go to bible study this morning! Got my study all done, got my smoothie in hand to keep hydrated, got some girl scout cookies to deliver, got a surgical mask to wear so I don't get an infection! Go, me!"
Diarrhea: "Nice try. I don't think so."

Luckily, I was only a few miles from my house when I got the all-too-familiar cramping in my lower intestine, so I turned around and went home, managing to spill my smoothie along the way. Sure glad I spent THAT $5.

I had to change clothes, and to my chagrin, I just realized that I'd put on, not yoga pants -- which people can and do wear out and about -- but sleep pants.

This afternoon, I had to go to a training for a school volunteer thing this afternoon, and I went and got a chicken soft taco, and then got my oil changed, all the while wearing black sleep pants.

Don't tel DH -- he'd be mortified. He's already convinced that any time I head out the door to pick up the newspaper in my pajamas, that I'm an object of desire to whoever is passing by.

Post Chemo

I will have 6 1/2 weeks of radiation. This will be a localized procedure. What my friend Anne says is that it's like getting a sunburn.
Dare I say I'd welcome a sunburn now instead of all this stuff?

The Way Things Go...

Just in case you ever wondered....

There are twelve steps between my bed and the potty.

Because, of course, once I took the aforementioned stool softeners and laxatives, things went the other way. Including one episode at the surgeon's office this morning. Nice.

Chemo, Day 4

I ran 4 errands today. Yay, me! I am now back in my pajamas, but i did actually accomplish something today.

An Announcement:
IF you are going to read this blog, realize that I will call it as I see it. I will discuss matters that normal, non-cancerous people do not discuss in everyday conversation. If these matters become too squeamish for you, I hereby tender my apologies.
However, I will still discuss the squeamish stuff. This is a blog to let people know
a) what life is like for me right now, and
b) what life undergoing chemo is like.

So, all that being said. I am taking LAXATIVES. And STOOL SOFTENERS today. 'Cause ain't nothin' moving.
Now, I have not eaten all that much lately: maybe a few ounces of mashed potatoes or scrambled eggs here and there since Thursday. However, things need to start MOVING.

Chemo, Day 3

Feel better today. Wasn't up to going to church, tho i did pick up some soup for lunch, and drove DD1 to GAs at church tonight. I am now wiped out from same.
Housekeeper comes tomorrow, and the house is not picked up. She is just going to have to deal, cuz it ain't getting picked up any time soon.
I have lost 9 lbs since my whole surgery/cancer ordeal started. Not the way I would have chosen to lose weight, but still...silver lining and all that.

Chemo Day 2

Still tired, nauseated, stomach hurts, head hurts, eyes burn.

Other than that, I feel fine!

I can usually get up about every 6 hours and get some stuff done. I just finished tidying the kitchen, and now I'm wiped out.

I may have to be a bedside Baptist tomorrow, tho....

Reports

Got my copies of my medical reports in the mail yesterday. The cancer scored 9 on the Bloom-Richardson scale, and had an MIB-1 proliferation rate of 90%. The proliferation rate describes how fast the cancer cells are growing.
This is NOT GOOD. We want low numbers on these. If I ever get to see my onc again, we will certainly have a little discussion about that and what that means. Because on the one hand, my cancer was caught early (thanks GOD!) before it had spread to the lymph nodes, on the other hand, this bad boy grew between February of '06, the date of my previous m'gram, and December of '06, when I first felt the heat and the lump.
It looks like I'll have to become one of those annoying women who exercise all the time and eat a low fat diet, and preach to you about the benefits of same. Sigh. I liked being lazy and eating fast food better.
Feel yucky today. Tummy yucky, mouth all metally. Almost like having braces again.

Post Chemo, Day 1

DD1 comes home after school, comes into my bedroom and says in a surprised tone, "You still have your hair!"
Yes, DD, it will fall out around Easter....

Chemo, Day 1

Given the lack of communication exhibited by my onc's office to date, it will not surprise you to know that they scheduled me to have chemo at the ofc 30 minutes from my house (Red Oak), rather than at the ofc 5 minutes from my house (Cypress), even though I specifically told them last week that I wanted it at the Cypress location.
And we couldn't switch, because the Cypress office didn't have the right drugs. Sigh.
Fine. So we show up at 1:30, and the lady says, "Well, the Cypress office doesn't have chemo on Fridays, so you could have chemo there on Thursdays but then you'd have to come here on Fridays for your Neulasta shot." (Neulasta helps build up your white blood cells, so you're not as susceptible to infection, and it has to be administered the day after chemo to be most effective.)
So I said, "Well, can we just change the chemo to Wednesdays, and then the Neulasta shot on Thursdays?"
And her eyes get all big, and she says, "Well, we'd have to talk to the DOCTOR for that." (Like it was as big as talking to the Pope about eating bacon on Fridays or something.)
Fine, git 'er done. Of course, the DOCTOR was at the Cypress office, where I should have been.
So then, they take some blood, and we go into the chemo place and get settled in.
It was a bit anticlimatic, to tell u the truth. There were two nurses there, whom I shall designate as Grumpy Nurse and Funny Nurse. GN is the one who held the chemo class on Tuesday, and I think I offended her by contradicting her on some stuff. She said stuff like, don't take your antiemetic till you start throwing up, which every cancer patient I have ever talked to said Take It Round The Clock. She'd also said my cancer was Stage 1, and it's not. It was over 2 cm, so it's stage 2.
Anyway, so I've got my blanket, my book, a magazine, a CD player and some CDs, a cooler with ice and grape juice and popcicles and a 3 liter bottle of water. I am SET. I take 3 Tylenol to guard against headache from the Cytoxan, and a stool softener and a laxative to guard against things clogging up later, which chemo tends to do.
They start off with an anti-nausea drip, and then when that's done, they do the Taxotere, which can cause permanent nerve damage to your hands and feet, so, following the advice I'd gotten from other BC patients, I put my hands in the ice in the cooler and kept them cold the whole time.
And I am drinking. Drink, drink, drinking. Drinking grape juice to guard against mouth sores, drinking water, eating popcicles. And going potty. Chemo is hard on your liver and kidneys so you have to flush it out of yr system, baby.
Adriamycin, the second chemical, is red, so I had the experience of peeing red a bit later. Weird. I peed blue after the radioactive dye with the sentinal node biopsy, so this just adds another color.
We got done around 4ish.
and i feel meh. Not bad, but not good, either.
sorry this isn't funny.
everybody, repeat after me "CHEMO SUCKS!"

Things You Do...

as a matter of course in the shower when you've had long hair since 1978:

• put a quarter-size dollop of shampoo on your head -- massive lather! for all that hair! (short hair: "Help me! i'm drowning!")
• put conditioner on... for the ends of all that...hair
  (short hair: "Um, thanks?")
• wrap your head in a towel afterwards to get all the water out of the massive hair
  (short hair: "Really, just rub me with the towel a couple of times, I'm good."

All Together Now....

my new haircut is "cute".
bleaugh.
who wants to be "cute"? "cute" is for puppies and little baby iguanas, not for women of a Certain Age like me. i strike more for "dramatic" or "sexy" or "stunning". Anything but "cute".
heck, i'd even take "odd".

In Case You Haven't Been Paying Attention....

I look like this:

DH looks like this:

So, who ARE these people and why are they living in our house?

This is how it looked when i left the hair dresser:which was much too froofy for me. so i promptly went home and took a shower. after massive amounts of hair products, it looks like this:

which may not look much different to you, but i want it to be more spiky and less Reba-esque. more Jamie Lee Curtis and less Sandy Duncan.

DD1 Speaks Out

At the dinner table tonight, DD1 says, "My teacher came and comforted me today when I was crying at recess."
"Why were you crying at recess?", said I, thinking maybe it's out of compassion for her mother.
"Because I don't want people to make fun of me because I have two bald parents!"

Chemo School

Show up to the dr's ofc, and the receptionist lady (the same one, I need not say, who made appts for me w/o telling me) said, "O, by the way, did they tell you that you needed to pay your balance today? That'll be $1500."

[Sure! I just went to the ATM, let me pull that out of my back pocket! I ws going to go eat lunch, but never mind! I'll pay for my chemo instead!]]

"NO," quoth I, she did NOT mention money on the phone. She set up this appt and the first chemo, and that was it. No one has mentioned money up to this point."

"Well, we didn't know your treatment plan until now." [Which is odd, because the oncologist sure knew what it was, especially once we got the Her2/neu results back. He told me at our first meeting that it'd either be 6 treatments or 8, depending onthe Her2/Neu results.}

So I talk to the finance lady. And today was a bad day emotionally as Chemo Day fast approaches. So of course I start crying. And I think she was under the impression that I was crying because we're destitute or something, because she said she would send me the names of several foundations who could help out. She said our annual deductible was 2k, and we've already paid $500 of that, so I could pay $800 before the first treatment, and then she would talk to my ins co before my next treatment to see if the balance of the deductible had decreased.

OK. I mean, what choice do I have?

For those of you who would like to know, chemo school goes like this:

• you sit in a little room and watch a 7 minute video, narrated by an older white man in a lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck. Because all doctors are old, white, and have stethoscopes around their necks. Said OWM looks earnestly at the camera and says things like "Your doctor has prescribed a treatment for you called kee...mo....ther...a...pee..." [really? i was just here for the free cookies] and really helpful things such as, "Your doctor may allow you to eat during kee....mo...ther...a...pee... and he may not, so ask your doctor."
• then the nurse will come in, and hand you a bunch of papers telling you all the horrible things that could happen to you with chemo, and you have to sign a bunch of CYA papers, signifying that u understand yr hair and nails could fall off and u still won't sue.
• u get to ask any questions. the answers may or may not agree with other things you have heard.
• u get your treatment schedule

Tomorrow I get my hair cut. I've been wearing it down for about the past week. No more ponytails for me! DD2 will take pics of the Hair Cut. So, given that she's 5, if any of them turn out well, i'll post them here.

Part of the Fun

Part of the fun of Chemo Land, I am given to understand, are the side effects, or SE as those of us in the know call them. Now, SE are, apparently, neither as negligible as depicted in soap operas, nor as virulent as depicted in a Movie of the Week.
If one takes one's meds, hurling is a thing of the past.
Our bright new selection of SE, however, can include:
mouth sores
diarrhea
constipation
heartburn
bone pain
menopause
fingernails falling off (I know, ew)
fuzzy-mindedness (AKA "chemo brain")

There's not a lot I can do about the latter three, but to counteract the first 5, there is a panoply of OTC drugs. And! CVS had a coupon in the Sunday paper for $3 off if you spent $15. So, I asked several of my neighbors for their coupons, and am going to be making several trips to CVS in the next few days, spending $15 ($12) each time. They don't know me by name yet, but I bet they will....

here's the thing

this friend of mine gave me this book about dealing with cancer. i flipped thru it, and it's all about how to deal with your anger at God. i put it down, and pretty much don't intend to read it.

i don't HAVE any anger at God. God didn't give me cancer. This cancer probably came about because of genetics, and poor eating habits on my part. And God has already used this cancer for so much good in my life. DH and I are much more loving toward one another, friends are coming out of the woodwork to help -- people I haven't even seen in a year are volunteering to cook me meals and do my laundry!

Plus, suffering is a part of life. that's just the way it is. friends of mine have suffered thru the death of a parent, years of infertility, the breakup of a marriage, chronic illness...you name it. and i've been pretty blessed the past few years -- great marriage, great kids, lots of friends, enough money to go around....too much of that, tho, and we get complacent. God uses suffering as a purifying agent in our lives, so that we realize what is important in life (God, people), and what is not (acquiring stuff).

Romans says if we share in His glory, we must also share in His suffering. so i try to take an eternal perspective on stuff like this, and see what God can effect in my life through this.

like, i don't know, blog about God and not worry about offending someone with a different world view than me....

Forgot to Tell You

onc said the sentinal node biopsy showed no cancer, so the cancer had not spread. YAY!!!!!
So, I'm Stage IIA. This is a good thing.
The schedule next week: Monday, go to the dentist. (you can't go to the dentist when you're under chemo, because of the risk of infection)
tuesday: chemo school
wednesday: get my lovely locks cut
thursday: first chemo

My hair should start falling out around April 1st. What chemo does is destroy the protein at the base of the hair shaft. It takes about 7 to 10 days for that part to move to the surface of the scalp.

update

onc called today and apologized profusely. so that's good.

my friend Mark suggested I s hould have billed him for my time...

girls and i had a welchwoman portrait taken today at glamour shots, where they do your hair and makeup. this was DD1's doing, as she LOVES having makeup on. 66 pics. probably 5 of which where we were all 3:

a) looking at the camera
b) smiling
c) not doing something funny

My Pic

I went and got my pic taken before my glorious locks get shorn. Here are the results:

Man, airbrushing is a great thing.

Sigh

Had a 9:15 f/u appt with the onc today. I showed up at 9:33, smoothie in hand. Sit in the waiting room for a while, then get shown into the examination room. I read for a while, lie down on the exam table and sleep for a while. i wake up and it's ELEVEN FIFTEEN, AND I HAVE NOT SEEN THE DOCTOR YET.
well, DD1 had an allergy dr appt at 11, so I just scooped my stuff up and left.
Nurse called me after 12, and said that Dr. had had a brand new patient, and that's what was taking so long, that Dr would call me with the results of the tests, blablabla.
I was a little upset, told her yea, he could call me, but i wasn't sure I was going to keep him as a dr or not.
so of course he didn't call.
now i don't know what to do.

Just Heard From the Onc

"chemo class" on Tuesday.
Chemo starts on Thursday the 22nd at 11:30: Taxotere, Adriamycin, and Cytoxan. Should take about 2.5 hours. Means I'll be done around mid-July. Perfect time for a Bastille Day party.

Life With a 5 Year Old

Me (on the floor, kneeling by the trashcan): tell Daddy I need another trash bag.
Child: Why?
Me: Because I just threw up.
Child: Can I watch?


(some time later...)
Child: Here's a picture I drew for you. Just don't throw up on it.

I Have Chemo Brain Already and I Haven't Even Had Chemo Yet

I left some stuff out on the loot I've gotten so far:

• my very first chemo cap, knitted by a male friend of mine and his daughter. if u had asked me which of my friends would be the first to knit me a cap, it would NOT have been someone male.
• a bracelet that says "expect miracles" from my SIL
• an angel from those crazy Evanses
• a quilt from my mom
• a dealing with cancer book from one of the Loris I know. I have never met a Lori I didn't like.
• a big stuffed animal from one of my MILs
• some great food

the score so far

Food: 0

hurling: 3

i was NOT cut out to be a bulimic....

Don't Wear New Shoes to Surgery

Had the port put in and the SNB today. Worst part was the 3.5 hours of waiting between the injection of the radioactive dye and going in to surgery. Because I was HUNGRY.
When they wheeled me in to inject the dye, they told me to lie on the table thingy, and then left me alone while I waited for the dr. Couldn't read, as I had no book with me, so I whiled away the moments by singing show tunes....
Anyway, once I woke up from surgery, I got a coke, and then some water, and then 3 bites of cracker.
Which, once we got home and I opened my van door, promptly came right back out...all over my brand new Skechers sandals....

Oh, the pain

I cannot eat ANYTHING after midnight tonight. I can't even DRINK anything after midnight tonight.
Are you kidding me?
The surgery isn't until noon! I won't get out of there and into a nearby Taco Bell until 2:30 at least! That's over FOURTEEN HOURS of being without food.
Unbelievable. They can put a man on the moon, but they can't figure out a way for someone to go into surgery well fed....

Stats

Breast cancer is the second most common cause of death of women in this country. One in EIGHT women in America will contract breast cancer in their lives. so check your melons, honey.

When I Got Diagnosed...

I bought jewelry. some people cry, others pray. Not me. I bought jewelry. And clothes.

I bought a pink ribbon pin, a pink ribbon bracelet, and pink ribbon earrings, and a tshirt that says: "Check yourself on the front. Pat yourself on the back."

Now I want to make some tshirts of my own. One that says "Chemo sucks" in cursive, and one that says, "Check your melons, honey"

some realizations

i am a Big Baby. i'm the youngest member of my family of origin, and i tend to demand attention everywhere i go anyway, so i am actually looking forward to some people cooking for me. of course, with my luck, the chemo will not let me eat any of it.

oh well, at least the kids will eat well for once.

the only things is. i have to catch up on my laundry and house tidying before chemo starts, or people will not be able to come over to help -- it'll be too overwhelming:

"Uh, all this laundry? Twenty loads?"

"Do you HAVE any clean dishes?"

Things To Look Forward To After A Diagnosis of Cancer

1. everyone will know. you may only tell one person, but by the next week, complete strangers will come up to you with offers of lasagna
2. every conversation u have will be about cancer, not necessarily by choice
3. you will sit in a lot of doctors' offices
4. you will be poked and prodded and cut into
5. you will memorize the group number of your insurance
6. people will come up to you and share stories of people they know who went thru cancer, who never lost their hair, did fine, went right back to work, blablabla.
7. you get stuff: so far, I've gotten a FABULOUS devotional book, some of the softest sheets I've ever felt in my whole life, and a quilt.
7. you will become closer to God.
8. you will do some crying.
9. you will find out how many friends you have -- a lot more than you think

The History

1. Mid-December: feel a warmth and pain in my left breast
2. early Jan: call ob-gyn
3. ob-gyn sends me to m'gram place
4. "suspicious results"
5. fine needle biopsy at surgeon's ofc reveals inconclusive results
6. lumpectomy 2/12 reveals a 2.5cm tumor
7. cat scan, bone scan, echocardiogram, ultrasound of OTHER breast

on deck: a sentinal node biopsy, insertion of a port, biopsy of something on right breast, CHEMO, 6.5 weeks of radation, going to see the onc and surgeon 2x/year for the rest of my long, long life....